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Thanks Pierre for forwarding these. :)

I was speechless.

That was the word to describe myself when I came face to face with Lea Salonga at one event I freelanced for. Sure my Aunt/Godmother Nena would be jealous to see us together, but she'd definitely laugh at how I froze when I had my picture taken with Lea. I was that kid at a party who's too shy to ask for my lootbags. What an idiot! So much more for good impression. It didn't help either that I only had three hours of sleep in the last two days of that event. I was there looking sloppy, while Lea was effortlessly looking world-class.

Nonetheless, she took my breath away with her talent. And even when I was lacking sleep on that December night, my heart was singing with love and awe for that one special night that I got my one dream come to life.

Sab in her 1st step into the Swoosh. You'll get your own when you turn 2, kid. It's sooner than you think. Your Daddy and I are excited.

She has to grow up. She will.

But I guess there's always that mother's love or for the lack of term- selfishness- that I wish she never has to. You know how it's like when the young becomes a grown man. Either he turns out to be good or bad; and you either get excited or disappointed with the person standing in front of you. Whatever, his mother will love him for whoever he will become. Mothers are always like that, sacrificing and accepting. I know my mother is.

But this angel, she changed my life. While I sit here and ponder on what if's and whatnots, I can never alter who I am now. I am a mother; the mother of this heaven-sent. Even when my life's direction is meandering right now (halt those traveling plans and free spirited nature), I have to get serious, without really ever losing myself in the process. I want her to grow up to be the best she can be, to her liking and capabilities and with my help and support and that of her Dad's and everyone who loves her. I want her to travel, to go to a good school, to learn Spanish, to go to concerts, to play the ukulele, to play tennis. These are my wants for her; here I am listening to John Mayer, wishing the air will carry my prayers to some place where I can bury them and reap them when the time is right.

But for now, I am looking at that face, taking a good look at it, those small eyes which she clearly got from his father, that brown hair, those red lips, and that floral dress I love putting her in. I am freezing this moment; this moment that I am looking at that face thinking that that will be the same face I will see when I go home tonight. I am celebrating that innocent face right now, and for as long as I can. I know in the coming days and years, it won’t be the same face. Her hair will grow long, or short, whatever she prefers, her head will get bigger, that dress won’t fit her anymore, and she will be looking in another way not because she doesn’t know what a camera is, but because it’s her choice.

I will long for that face, for sure. But she is my daughter, I am her mother. Whatever she becomes, I will be just as accepting and loving- even when she wants to play the piano instead of the ukulele. My life may be different now, but this is who I am now. I may not be anywhere else, spending on nonsense and not on milk and diapers, but this is life happening to me at the moment. And while others are enjoying big breaks coming to their lives, here I am sitting on my office chair in front of my old monitor, living the life I chose, living through the person I have become, living as myself- a loving mother to Sab.

Happy 1st Birthday my Love!

Mommy duty calling!

First project: Sab's 1st Birthday Party on October 10, 2010.

I found a venue in Ortigas, and will be paying the down payment tomorrow. Of course, there'd be no refund, so I had to ask Pierre for the nth time if he's alright with the venue because I already am. He said yes and so we're good to go.

My dream, really, is to have a simple party in a garden with closest family and friends as guests. But we're not endowed with a mansion with a beautiful garden so I'm crossing that out. Do you have? Let me know before tomorrow! :D

We already have a venue and I've had this theme in my head for a very long time now. Inspired by Temperley London's Spring 2010 RTW, I was magnetized by the greatest show on earth! The Circus!

15 years from now, Sab will be looking at her first birthday party photos and she'd be thanking me forever for what a grand birthday her Mommy and Daddy gave her. *wink*

I'm still exchanging emails with this kiddie party organizer to help me out achieve this look.

The Entrance

The chairs and tables, I hope!

The ceiling decor, j'adore!

Yes, I'm daydreaming. Truly though, I wish I could pull off the best 1st birthday party for my Sabby. If you have any ideas, holla! :D

It's an understatement if I say that I had the worst birthday last year. It was really the worst birthday, ever, ever, ever! But this year took a slight meander, and it has beaten the shit out of my ego full of miseries and hatred. (How can I have so much hate when I have so much love in my heart?) A miracle, I suppose, have docked on land. I'm not totally in the best state, but an air of hope is dawning upon me. Slowly. Tick-tock-tick-tock

If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, that is to stop taking all in and just relax. Writing it is so much easier to do, but then there's the internalization which is another story. When you have a baby in your arms, everything is different. There's the fear of forgetting who you are because the new life has swallowed you up in whole, until before you know it, you have lost yourself entirely. I'm scared to be digested by this fear. I don't want to grow old and look back and see the old me and never recognize who I was.

That is why I need to relax, in every sense of the word. At work, at home especially, at a movie theater, at a bar. I don't want to be blindfolded, because then there will be another fear of going too far. See, I'm thinking again. That's the problem. I want a day to pass by without me having to complicate anything. I want to reconnect with my old self, the less heavy, the less problematic Claudette because I miss being happy with everything and nothing. I need to take a breather from myself; because clearly I am my own antagonist here. I need to go back to the time where even at the sight of the moon, I would already be smiling... wildly.

So if there's any miracle, in whatever form, please knock on my door.

A few have already shown itself to me.

I have my own family now, hello!

... and a loud and loving friends!

Oh, I need to wake up from my self-imposed misery! And if there's anything, I was happy on June 11, 2010.

Stunning June 2010 cover.

Georgina Wilson fits the bill perfectly.