I need everything and nothing.

It's an understatement if I say that I had the worst birthday last year. It was really the worst birthday, ever, ever, ever! But this year took a slight meander, and it has beaten the shit out of my ego full of miseries and hatred. (How can I have so much hate when I have so much love in my heart?) A miracle, I suppose, have docked on land. I'm not totally in the best state, but an air of hope is dawning upon me. Slowly. Tick-tock-tick-tock

If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, that is to stop taking all in and just relax. Writing it is so much easier to do, but then there's the internalization which is another story. When you have a baby in your arms, everything is different. There's the fear of forgetting who you are because the new life has swallowed you up in whole, until before you know it, you have lost yourself entirely. I'm scared to be digested by this fear. I don't want to grow old and look back and see the old me and never recognize who I was.

That is why I need to relax, in every sense of the word. At work, at home especially, at a movie theater, at a bar. I don't want to be blindfolded, because then there will be another fear of going too far. See, I'm thinking again. That's the problem. I want a day to pass by without me having to complicate anything. I want to reconnect with my old self, the less heavy, the less problematic Claudette because I miss being happy with everything and nothing. I need to take a breather from myself; because clearly I am my own antagonist here. I need to go back to the time where even at the sight of the moon, I would already be smiling... wildly.

So if there's any miracle, in whatever form, please knock on my door.

A few have already shown itself to me.

I have my own family now, hello!

... and a loud and loving friends!

Oh, I need to wake up from my self-imposed misery! And if there's anything, I was happy on June 11, 2010.