She has to grow up. She will.

But I guess there's always that mother's love or for the lack of term- selfishness- that I wish she never has to. You know how it's like when the young becomes a grown man. Either he turns out to be good or bad; and you either get excited or disappointed with the person standing in front of you. Whatever, his mother will love him for whoever he will become. Mothers are always like that, sacrificing and accepting. I know my mother is.

But this angel, she changed my life. While I sit here and ponder on what if's and whatnots, I can never alter who I am now. I am a mother; the mother of this heaven-sent. Even when my life's direction is meandering right now (halt those traveling plans and free spirited nature), I have to get serious, without really ever losing myself in the process. I want her to grow up to be the best she can be, to her liking and capabilities and with my help and support and that of her Dad's and everyone who loves her. I want her to travel, to go to a good school, to learn Spanish, to go to concerts, to play the ukulele, to play tennis. These are my wants for her; here I am listening to John Mayer, wishing the air will carry my prayers to some place where I can bury them and reap them when the time is right.

But for now, I am looking at that face, taking a good look at it, those small eyes which she clearly got from his father, that brown hair, those red lips, and that floral dress I love putting her in. I am freezing this moment; this moment that I am looking at that face thinking that that will be the same face I will see when I go home tonight. I am celebrating that innocent face right now, and for as long as I can. I know in the coming days and years, it won’t be the same face. Her hair will grow long, or short, whatever she prefers, her head will get bigger, that dress won’t fit her anymore, and she will be looking in another way not because she doesn’t know what a camera is, but because it’s her choice.

I will long for that face, for sure. But she is my daughter, I am her mother. Whatever she becomes, I will be just as accepting and loving- even when she wants to play the piano instead of the ukulele. My life may be different now, but this is who I am now. I may not be anywhere else, spending on nonsense and not on milk and diapers, but this is life happening to me at the moment. And while others are enjoying big breaks coming to their lives, here I am sitting on my office chair in front of my old monitor, living the life I chose, living through the person I have become, living as myself- a loving mother to Sab.

Happy 1st Birthday my Love!